Day 3 - Hanoice to meet you Hanoi

I’d had about 4 hours sleep when the kids all woke up (probably still drunk because I didn’t hear them come back) They were chatting quite loudly whilst packing. I managed to drift off and doze a little bit (thanks earplugs!) but I found out later that Tyler had pulled back his curtain and told them to shut up, which they did. Good lad. When I got up I tried speaking to the guy in the bed above me but it turned out he could only say “Yes” so that conversation didn’t really go anywhere. It was raining again so I chilled in bed until about 2pm when it brightened up a little bit.

I popped downstairs to see who was about and Conrad was there planning his Vietnam  motorbike adventure. I told him I was less adventurous than him and that I was going to have Mexican food today.

When I arrived at “Tacos” I couldn’t find the door down the alleyway and ended up going up a dark staircase to be greeted by a nice old lady who pointed me back down to the correct door. It was a tiny place  and the waiter was polite to the extreme. It seemed like he could only talk in whispers whilst backing away bowing. This made ordering food slightly more difficult than it should have been but well, it’s all part of the authentic experience. My veggie burrito was decent and what I think was a chilli sauce was really nice.

By the time I left the restaurant it was pissing it down again. Luckily this time I had my poncho and umbrella. Obviously I doubled up, I didn’t see anyone else doing it so I reckon I’ll have started a fashion trend in Hanoi.

I’d planned to walk to “train street” where a train goes through the middle of a built up area once a day and is literally inches from buildings where people live and work. Due to the rain it wasn’t such a pleasant walk and it turns out that crossing the road is twice as hard when you’re holding an umbrella and wearing a poncho. It took me about 45 minutes to get there and I’d timed it to arrive when the train was scheduled to go through… But it didn’t come did it? F’in trains. To be honest the highlight of this walk was when I came to a seemingly impossible road to cross. I waited for about 5 minutes trying to find a gap when finally I saw a Vietnamese guy going for it. I stood next to him and literally shadowed him across the road. I thanked him in Vietnamese and he nodded and smiled. That was definitely my favourite interaction with a local during my three days in Hanoi.

I walked back to the hostel with a new found road crossing confidence and managed not to get run over. I’ve finally cracked it! On my final day in Hanoi! Damn! Tyler was at the bar when I got back so I had a little catch up and a few drinks with him. Turns out he’s a welder but he’s fed up with it so he’s going to become a chef when he gets back to London.  Conrad showed up and added a few of us on Facebook. I hadn’t expected the first person I added on Facebook on this trip to be a Tory. My dad would be turning in his grave... if he was dead.

It was at this point I got a message from Dan saying they’d been advised they need an onward flight from The Philippines to be allowed into The Philippines. Brilliant. So I spent the next hour trying to book a ticket to Kuala Lumpur through AirAsia but the app and website were both failing at life. Eventually I got it to work and luckily Dan & Mary’s connecting flight on the way to NZ stops at KL, so I booked the same flight as them. Yay! Plane friends!

I ended up having a nice language barrier chat with the barman at the hostel about life, the universe and everything (I think) and once I’d finished my second gin & tonic, I said my goodbyes to everyone at the hostel and headed up to bed for a maximum of 5 hours sleep.

Day 2 - Hanoice

Had a good lay in which helped with the hangover. It was raining anyway so I chilled until early afternoon. I realised someone had stolen my towel. I told reception and they said I should have kept it in my bed or locker, even when it’s wet, yeah sure. I refused to pay and she gave me another one. Mark wins.

I headed out at 3ish to another vegan cafe and had a veggie burger, It was a bit weird and stodgy but I was starving so it did the job. The passion fruit juice was weird too, full of seeds, so they got stuck in the straw and you had to blowpipe the shit out of that bad boy. I sat on the balcony to watch the world go by but it turns out that’s what flies like to do too so I spent half the time swatting away flies who appeared to like stodgy food. I must have spent two hours using their wifi and swatting away flies before I gave up on the idea that the rain would stop and headed back out into the crazy world of Hanoi. I walked around the lake Hoàn Kiếm Lake which is quite pretty especially when they turn the lights on at the bridge and the temple at 7pm. I then decided it was about time I bought an umbrella, haggled that price down a bit, then walked around the lake for a second time. It’s the best place to walk because you don’t have to cross any roads so I put some music on and zoned out for a nice stroll in the pouring rain.

I went back to the hostel to figure out where to get my evening meal, the kids (early 20s at a guess) were all in the room getting ready to go out on a mad one . I settled on a place called Chopsticks for food where I had a veggie bahn mi (Vietnamese sandwich thingy) When I returned to the hostel there was only one other person in the bar so I had a beer and ended up finishing it as the staff were turning all the lights off and going home. It certainly wasn’t as lively in there as the night before! I think everyone had gone off to different places but I’d missed the time when people were leaving otherwise I could have tagged along with someone.

I went up to my room and shortly afterwards as I was about to brush my teeth two of the kids came back. The girl ran straight into the toilet and locked the door. Her male friend explained that she’d possibly been spiked so I might want to go brush my teeth somewhere else. I decided to wait (mistake) Two hours of puking and crying later and it finally went silent. Turns out she’d gone to hospital but the important thing was that I could now brush my teeth. Happy days.

(For the record I don’t think she died because I’m sure I’d have heard about it the next day)

Day 1: I Hanoi idea wtf is going

I never manage to sleep the night before a holiday abroad which was lucky this time around because I had so much stuff left to sort out, most of which were things I could have done weeks go.

My flight to Hanoi was leaving Heathrow at 11am which meant leaving my house at 6am. At least because the train wasn't a viable option at that time on a Sunday morning Aaron had offered to drive me there. It was a lovely drive accompanied by The Prodigy and Radiohead and Aaron's car's amazing sub woofer of a left speaker,

My bag was over the 7kg limit for carry-ons by 1.5kg but the woman at the desk didn't care. Happy days. The flight was ok, spare seat next to me but a child in the row behind me which prompted me to write this limerick

On flights I can just never win.
A noisy kid getting under my skin.
But when his mum went to pee,
she failed to see me
lock her son in the overhead bin.

They gave us some paper flip flops which almost balanced out the fact that I couldn't sleep because every time I'd drift off the kid would just randomly shout something. The food was adequate.

We arrived in Hanoi at 5am and it was still dark. There was a weird army looking dude staring at me as I walked through customs. Perhaps he was thinking if I'm guilty of something then I'm going to panic. I didn't I wasn't. I'd had a bit of a read about transportation to the city but hadn't properly figured it out. After speaking to a lady at an information desk who tried to get me to take the most expensive option (I have no idea why,,,) I settled on booking a Grab (Asian Uber, Uberasian) and the driver messaged me a few times to check where I was so I was feeling confident. Then a car pulled up and the guy beckoned me in, I showed him phone and asked if it was him, he said yes, so I got in and off we went. It didn't take me long to realise I'd made a mistake because after a minute or so he asked me where we were going. I think the beginning of the number plate was the same but I'd been too half asleep to properly check it. Needless to say I was now stuck with this guy and I knew he was going to charge me at least double what the Grab would have cost. He even got me on the phone to who I assume was his boss who spoke slightly better English and confirmed where I was going. He said he wasn't even going to take me exactly where I needed to go and would drop me off at the lake because he knew where that was (10 minutes walk from the hostel, yeah cheers mate) When we got there he asked for $30 (the Grab would have cost about $7/8, no chance mate) I offered him $20, he asked for $25, I gave him $20 and got out of the car.

It was bloody hot for 7am. 32C I think. I hadn't actually booked the hostel but I'd narrowed it down to a few. I walked to my first choice hostel and had a quick look around. They only had a 10 bed dorm available, I said that many beds would be superfluous to my sleeping requirements but I don't think she understood. There was another hostel round the corner so I thought I'd check that one out before deciding. The atmosphere and layout of the first one seemed better so I went back and checked in... although I technically couldn't check in for another 7 hours. They said I could hang around in the lobby, bar or the TV room where they had some cushions to sleep on. So I went up to the roof and nabbed the WiFi password from someone up there and proceeded to die in the heat... but at least I could now access Facebook (Thank the maker! No, not Zuck) I ended up going to sleep in the TV room for about an hour but then they kicked us out for a staff meeting so I just sat in the bar for a bit. I chatted to a couple of people, Carlos (40) from El Salvador who was trying to sort a visa and Conrad (21) from London who was planning a motorbike ride in the north of Vietnam.


I got a bit bored so went for a little walk to get some cash. A ten minute walk took at least thirty minutes due to how long it can take to cross the road. There are basically no traffic rules in Hanoi, even red lights seem optional with some motorbikes simply mounting the pavement to avoid the traffic. By the time I got back to the hostel I was allowed to check in so I did that and then chilled in the room for a little bit. I decided on a vegan cafe near the hostel for dinner and I had the vegan pho which was delicious. I listened in to some people chatting about tourist stuff to get some ideas of what to do in Hanoi.

I was feeling exhausted so I went back to have a nap at the hostel but then a group of young people arrived. They said they were going downstairs for the quiz so I obviously joined them. It was at that point there was a power cut so I just sat down on the nearest chair and joined a stranger's team by default. The people I joined were an American couple, Madison and Kevin, we had a little chat while waiting for the power to come back on and then Conrad joined us. He's a very talkative chap so I just let him take over the conversation. I suggested a few quiz team names from my extensive collection (the non-filthy ones) and we settled on Quizness Time. It was a bit of a shambles of a quiz really, having to be the first to put your hand up to answer the question. Needless to say I knew most of the answers and we got to have a shot (I'm not sure of what) after every question. The final question was worth a ton of points making the whole quiz pointless but I got that one correct to so we won. The prize was 400,000 Vietnamese Dong which we used to buy beer.

Madison and Kevin went out for food so I hung out drinking beer with Conrad. We were joined by left wing Rob from Oldham who proceeded to talk politics with Conservative Conrad. To be honest I thought it was going to come to blows at one point so I tried to join in and mediate a little bit. They calmed down a bit and we had a few drinks together. Rob was doing giant laughing gas balloons, I did not partake. Conrad went to bed just as Madison and Kevin got back so I joined them for a final beer and a good chat about life.

Back up in my room it somehow ended up that everyone was in the bathroom brushing their teeth at the same time. A lovely end to a knackering but enjoyable day,

Mark's Non-Bogus Journey

For my new adventure through Asia I've decided to start this up again. As with the US blogs it's more for my benefit so I apologise if it doesn't read very well.

I've packed this 40L bag plus my fanny/bum bag with enough clothes to last a week

My journey will begin with 3 days in Hanoi and then I'll be meeting up with Dan Poole (and his girlfriend) in Cebu (an island in The Philippines) on Aug 30th and tagging along with them, possibly island hopping for a few weeks. After that, Asia is an oyster... or something. 

This has been a most excellent adventure...

Day 90 (Tuesday Dec 21st)
"da da da daaa, da da daaa!"

The first thing Lacey did when we woke up was call the numbers she knew off by heart to see if she'd left her phone in the car. It turned out that she had and that her phone was now back in Pennsylvania. The repair shop had left a message on it saying that she could pick up her car in Jersey. She didn't want to make the journey without a phone so after I'd said good bye to Suzy and Mike we went to the nearest T-Mobile shop and Lacey bought the cheapest phone they had. We went to the Port Authority and had some food before Lacey got a bus to where her car was as 5pm. I hadn't really planned how I was getting to Newark airport but after a quick look around I found a bus that was leaving immediately for $15. I'm sure I could have found something cheaper but I was tired and it was the easiest option.

 It was very busy at the airport and but I cut the line and went straight to the 'carry-on baggage only' check-in. I made my way towards my gate but when I got near I couldn't remember if it was 36 or 38 and the screens were down for that section. I decided to guess at 38 and proceeded through security but when I got to the gate the screens were still not working. After half an hour of figuring out what to do, with no staff to ask but with a lot of time to kill, I decided to leave that section even though I knew I'd have to go through security again. I stared at the screens for another ten minutes and when they came back up it turned out I'd been at the correct gate. Back through security I went and this time I got to go through the naked scanner, yay! It was at this point that I decided to look at my boarding pass and noticed my gate number was on there, I'm an idiot. There was quite an interesting atmosphere as more people started arriving at the gate. Half of the Virgin flights to London had already been cancelled that day and there were rumours going around that we were going to be heavily delayed. One woman was on the phone for half an hour having a half English/half foreign conversation which amused me for a bit. At one point I went to the toilet and there was a muscle-bound security guard coming out as I went in, he was whistling the A-Team theme music so I joined in, we were the coolest dudes in the airport at that very moment. There were two delays to the flight but in the end we only left an hour later than scheduled. The highlight of the flight was at the beginning where I read the safety booklet because it contained some rather funny cartoons. Other than that it was a very uneventful flight home, I watched Toy Story 3, Buried and a bit of Monsters.

THE END... until next time.

An Englishman In New York... again: Part 2

Day 89 (Monday Dec 20th) 
"I do believe you almost collided with that vehicle"

As per usual I got up at midday and again I tried figuring out what was going on with the Pittsburgh posse. I wasn't sure when I'd be meeting them so I headed downtown and went for Korean food at a place that Suzy had found online. I actually had to wait ten minutes before I could be seated because it was that busy, I suppose it was lunchtime. I ordered something which I thought was vegetarian but the woman brought me a fish as a starter. I told her I was vegetarian and she exchanged the fish for some vegetable things. On the table was a bubbling bowl of tofu soup and lots of little bowls containing different vegetables and rice. For $10 it was a lot of food and I didn't manage to eat it all, I think the hangover had something to do with that too.

After a quick chat with a stranger in the queue for the toilet I headed to the New York Public Library. I'd been here before but I hadn't ventured inside, mainly because I simply didn't have the confidence to enter a building where my only reason was to take photos and videos of where Ghostbusters was filmed. I spent about an hour walking around the building, getting lost, getting found and taking photos in rooms that had signs saying "no photography allowed". When I came out of the library I was greeted by a homeless looking guy standing on the steps singing 'Time Of My Life'.

I walked up 5th Avenue and checked out Rockafeller Plaza, it was heaving because they now had the Christmas tree up. When I reached Central Park I got some photos of the bridge where the pigeon lady was in Home Alone 2. There was a bloke dressed as Big Bird wandering around the south end of the park and taking photos with people, then asking them for money. I got a text from Lacey saying they were on their way into Manhattan so I headed to Grand Central to meet up with them. There was a group of women in Grand Central singing Christmas songs with satirical lyrics, there was a guy trying to move them on but he was failing miserably. Lacey texted saying they were still quite far away so I headed back to the Plaza Hotel which was also used as a filming location in Home Alone 2. I decided to go inside, again something I didn't have the confidence to do the first time I was in New York. There were lots of people wandering around inside so I wasn't too worried about seeming out of place. I was hanging around near reception for about an hour and then I wandered down to the lower floors where they had some shops and some really nice restrooms. At one point I overheard a family asking one of the staff about Home Alone and he led them into another room to show them exactly where some of it was filmed.... I followed. Something I noticed at the hotel was an unusual amount of handshaking and tipping. Those porters must be making a fortune!

It was about 8pm when the Pittsburgh people arrived. They'd had quite a day chasing after Lacey's car which had seen them venture to Harlem and Jersey. It was all kind of sorted out except Lacey had to stay an extra day but my cousin was kind enough to agree to Lacey staying the night at their apartment. Lacey's friends needed to get home that night and Lacey actually had a friend on his way to New York to drive the guys home. After a quick visit to Times Square we headed to the Port Authority in the hope they might be able to get a free bus ticket, something they sometimes offer to stranded travellers. Unfortunately there was no way we could have got that sorted in such a short space of time so Lacey told her friend to keep driving. We went for food in a weird fast food place where the food was slow but the music was amazing. We had a few hours to kill so around midnight we headed south and had a walk around Wall Street, then we decided to do the Staten Island ferry round trip. We didn't get back to Manhattan until about 3am and we immediately got the subway back up to midtown to meet Lacey's friend. It was his first time driving in New York but he agreed to drive Lacey and I up to my cousin's place........ big mistake.

I tried to direct him but the one way system confused us a bit and some roadworks totally three us off and caused us to run a red light and almost get crashed into. A few seconds later we heard a police siren and we were pulled over. The cop said "You almost got f%ckin' ploughed!" and he wasn't happy with the fact there was one too many people in the car. He took a long time back at his car and then proceeded to give Lacey's friend a ticket for almost $200 for having too many people in the car. He let us off with running the red light otherwise it would have been a total fine of about $400.

We finally made it back to the apartment at about 4am and said our good byes. I was pretty hungry so we stopped at the 7/11 and I got some veggie tofu noodles. Once again I struggled to remember which apartment it was and when we finally got up there Lacey realised she'd lost her phone. We hoped she'd left it in the car and after eating we went to bed.

An Englishman In New York... again: Part 1

Day 87 (Saturday Dec 18th)  

"Mrs Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians"

I got a couple of hours sleep and was woken by my alarm at 5.15am. Vanessa drove me to the airport and I got my flight at 7.30am. I had a four hour layover in Denver and other than having a cheap burrito I did absolutely nothing. I arrived at LaGuardia in New York at about 8pm and got a bus through Queens, across to Manhattan and got off at 125th St. where I got the subway down to 86th. I grabbed some food at Subway and then walked to Suzy and Mike's apartment. I'd planned on surprising them but I couldn't remember which one their apartment was so I called Mike who said they were actually at a restaurant around the corner. I walked there, they introduced me to some of the staff (including a pretty waitress called Sarah) and then bought me a beer. We were there for less than an hour catching up and then we went back to the apartment where I fell asleep watching the 'Santa Claus Conquers The Martians' episode of MST3K.

__________________________________________

Day 88 (Sunday Dec 19th)
"The Bitchin'mobile made it all the way to Manhattan and then died"

I woke up around midday and spent most of the afternoon trying to figure out what was going on with Lacey. She was driving from Pittsburgh with a few friends to spend a couple of days in New York but I couldn't get a clear idea of where she was or when she was arriving. Eventually I got a call from her saying that her car had broken down and she needed rescuing. I went down to where they were parked to help them figure out what to do. I really wasn't much help because I've got no idea what to do when a car breaks down, let alone a car breaking down in Manhattan. They managed to find a company to tow the car to a repair shop but when the guy turned up things seemed generally odd. Once he'd taken the car he just said they'd call the next day. Lacey was very worried and thought she'd never seen her car again.

Everyone was hungry and I sort of remembered where there was a Chipotle so we spent half an hour finding that. I had my usual lovely veggie burrito but Lacey's friend Ally wasn't happy with the quality of the chicken... I've never eaten their meat so I'm taking no responsibility for suggesting Chipotle. Nobody was really in a good mood so we decided to find their hotel in Queens. We got to Queens with no problem but it turned out the station was about a half hour walk from the hotel. I stayed with them at the hotel for a little bit and then headed back to Manahattan before midnight.

I'd decided to pop my head into the Irish pub called Gael's that I'd been to three months previous and that if there was someone there I knew then I'd stay for one drink. It turned out Aiden, the bearded Scotsman, was working there now, he'd been working at the Scottish bar when I was last in New York but had been fired in strange circumstances a couple of days after I'd met him. We chatted for a while about what had happened three months, how all the other bar staff that I'd met were doing and we were also chatting with an NYC cop about various current affairs. Six pints of Belhaven IPA later and I stumbled back to the apartment but forgot how to use keys so I had to wake Mike up to help me. Sorry about that...