Days 11, 12 and 13 – Bohol-iday

Next on our adventure was Bohol (not pronounced Bo-hole) which is an island east of Cebu. We got the bus north to Argao to get the ferry across to Bohol. An hour on a bus and four hours on a ferry cost about PHP400 each (about £5) I enjoy these journeys in the knowledge that they’re so cheap. We even got some free ice cream on the ferry!

Our hostel was called Sea Breeze  and was in Panglao which is to the south of Bohol. It was a small three bed dorm with a sliding sheet of wood as a door so not the best for keeping out the noise. We had a small kitchen outside our room so other people would congregate right outside our door and talk at night and in the morning, not ideal. We ate that night at a vegan place but I think we were all disappointed by the food, I had some sort of Indian burger thing but it was more like curry on some bread with some mediocre fries. Dan and Mary headed back to the hostel but I thought I’d have a quick look around the beach area. It was the most touristy place I’d been so far, it felt like one of those  beach resorts in Spain. At one point I even got approached by a lady of the night.

The next day we had a beach day. Luckily it wasn’t as busy during the day so it was a nice relaxing day. We spent a few hours at a reggae bar where I think we listened to the Best of Bob Marley CD at least three times. I also bought some new flip flops as mine had now fallen apart. In the evening we found a place offering live music, cheap mojitos and Mexican food. The live music turned out to be more like karaoke but the food and drink were decent and at least they sang Starship. The thing that made me laugh here was how attentive the staff were, they were hovering right behind you and any time you spilled even one single drop of drink they would be right there to wipe it up for you.

On day three in Bohol we did a day tour arranged through the hostel. It was PHP400 (£5) for transport plus an entry fee for each stop you wanted to participate in. The first stop was a really old church. We decided not to go in but there was a wedding happening so we watched that through the door. The next stop was a tarsier sanctuary, they’re nocturnal animals but they sit low in the trees during the day so you can still see them. Let’s just say they’re a bit cute. Next up was a lunchtime river cruise with a buffet. The food was pretty good and there was a couple playing some live music including an unexpected cover of Breathless by The Corrs. We pulled up to the river bank at one point to watch some singing, dancing and ukulele playing from a local children’s choir, it was quite adorable and Mary joined in. The final stop on the tour was the Chocolate Hills, these are thousands of brown hills scattered across the countryside, a very helpful sign pointed out that they were formed “ages ago”. We went up to a vantage point where you could see lots of the hills and I took some perfect selfies.

Days 8, 9 and 10 – Sharks, falls & eejits

Earliest start to the day so far, 5am! We were heading down south to hang out with some whale sharks, as you do. I had mixed emotions going into this experience and I'm sure once I've explained it you'll understand why. They put food out for the sharks from 7am to 11am which makes them swim nearer to shore in the morning and there are about ten people per boat with at least ten boats on the water at a time. So all of that makes it a bit unnatural and touristy. You get into the water with your snorkel for half an hour and the sharks are just hovering right on you. At some points you won’t have anybody else in your peripheral vision and you’ll be totally in the moment with a giant whale shark swimming about two feet from you, those are the best moments. You’re told not to touch them but they’re all over the place so you can’t always move out of the way quickly enough. I think everyone touched one accidentally at least once. In conclusion it was an amazing experience.

When we got back to the hostel my sunburn kicked in and I crashed hard. I wasn’t feeling very well at all so I stayed in bed for pretty much the rest of the day.

The next day we’d planned on renting some scooters and visiting some of the waterfalls which are scattered around the south part of the island. Dan had already ridden a bike earlier in the trip so he was totally up for it but I was very nervous about being in control of a motor vehicle for the first time. Obviously without even a full UK license it’s illegal so if anything goes wrong you’re not insured… but “everyone does it”. Eddie, the man who rents out the bikes, let me have a go on the slowest scooter but he wasn’t convinced by my ability to balance (I was blindly optimistic) so he recommended I got a driver for the day. In retrospect this was probably for the best and it didn’t cost too much more (PHP1000 for the day rather than PHP600 just for the bike)

We headed for the furthest waterfall (Inambakan Falls) with Mary on the back of Dan’s bike and me on the back of a bike ridden by a guy who I think said his name was “Dudes”. It took about 90 minutes to get there and obviously it started raining just as we set off. It was definitely worth the trip though, it was a beautiful waterfall with nobody else around. A Filipino boy walked us down to it and took photos for us while we spent a bit of time swimming and relaxing in the spray.



The roads hadn’t been too bad most of the way and I was thinking I could have managed it, although the dirt road from the main road to the waterfall was very bumpy. When we headed back it had stopped raining but the dirt road was very wet. Me and “Dudes” got to the main road and waited for Dan and Mary to catch up but they were nowhere to be seen. We headed back to check on them and found that they’d had a little accident. They’d been taking it really slowly but had hit a slippery patch and the wheel had come out from underneath them. Dan had taken the main brunt of the hit with cuts on his knee and elbow and actually protected the bike by the way he’d fallen. Mary had bailed off the back of the bike so only had a graze on her knee. We’d planned on visiting some more waterfalls but decided just to head back to the hostel so Dan could get cleaned up and recover.

After another 90 minutes in the rain and the dark we got back. I was up for a bit of a mad one but there was nobody drinking tonight. Last night it was drinking games and madness, tonight there was a couple playing Connect 4 at the bar. I went to bed.

Day ten was the day of the drunk Irish guy. When we went for breakfast he was already in the bar drinking. We played a few word games and he ended up inviting himself to join us. He wasn’t too bad at this point except we could probably only understand about 50% of what he was saying (not good for word games). When we went back to the room we just chilled with some episodes of Survivor. Drunk Irish guy came back to the room, wobbled a bit, then left. After dinner at about 10pm he came back to the room again and managed to climb to the top bunk (the one above me, so lucky). He talked to himself a bit, sneezed, coughed and probably slept. When we were all settling down to go to sleep he decided this was a good time to wake up. He started talking nonsense and tried sitting on my bed. I managed to usher him out of the room and he went downstairs. Mary and I voiced our concerns to the two staff members on duty and I suggested that at the very least that they didn’t serve him any more alcohol. The staff had been really great so far so we expected they’d also be good with this situation. He headed straight to the bar so I went up to our balcony to keep an eye on things. Unfortunately our faith in the staff was misplaced as they carried on serving him 6.9% beer. I stayed up there for about half an hour because I was expecting trouble when he came back to the room, luckily when he eventually came back he just went straight to sleep.

Days 6 & 7 - Mary definitely didn't vomit in the taxi

I love the smell of puke in the morning. At least Mary was nice enough to puke in the toilet in the morning, well, until we got in the taxi. “Get him to pull over!” she pleaded in desperation as her mouth filled with vomit but there wasn’t time. The window handle was too stiff so out it came, all over herself and the floor of the taxi. The driver didn’t even seem to notice so we think he’s still driving around with a little puddle in the rear footwell. Luckily it was just liquid as we hadn’t yet had breakfast.

We arrived at the bus station with a rough idea of what we were doing so once Mary had cleaned herself up and the Filipino men had stopped leering at her out of the bus windows we proceeded to the gate for the bus to Boljoon. I’m not sure if it’s just because everything is in a different language but supposedly organised things like a bus station seem to be such a free for all. I have no idea how we got on the correct bus but I had the name of our destination on my phone and kept checking it with every official looking person I passed so at least that put my mind at ease.

5 hours later we arrived at our hostel. On the bus journey I figured out that buses will stop anywhere you tell them to and also that the conductor will actually tell you when it’s time for your stop. Very helpful when you have no clue where you are.

Nordzee Hostel is right on the waterfront so I had the most garlicky pizza I’ve ever eaten plus a San Miguel Lemon whilst listening to the waves crash against the beach. 

The next day we had a chill day relaxing on the beach and we did a bit of snorkeling but the visibility wasn’t very good. Obviously I got really bad sunburn because I always do. We also met our room-mate Jack, 20 from Wales and played some drinking games (fin-fingers) with some crazy Australians.

Day 5 - Cebu City (31st Aug 2018)

As is seeming to be a running theme on this trip already, we stayed in bed until about midday. We decided to head into the city for breakfast and it turned out that the best mode of transport was a Jeepney. These things are like tiny buses with everybody squashed in the back and you pay about 10 Pesos per journey. I’d recommend them but not at peak times as they get a bit full and there’s a chance you’ll end up with a fat sweaty man sitting on your lap. We spoke to Felix on the bus who was a nice old man that Dan and Mary had spoken to the night before. He gave us a few tips and gave us his phone number so we could call him if we needed any help with anything. I’d recommend Felix.

Once we got into the city we struggled to find any vegetarian food. We probably weren’t going to have much luck in McDonald’s style fast food places but we had some interesting conversations trying to describe what the word vegetarian means “No meat”, “No, that’s a beefburger”, “No, that’s not vegetarian just because it has lettuce in it.” We eventually found a place that did a simple rice and veg meal. For dessert Mary had a “choco poo” which was a kind of hot sweet chocolate dumpling akin to a circular Pop Tart. 

We stopped into a church we passed along the way. Well I got down on my knees... but unfortunately we’d missed the morning service so we didn’t hang around for long.

Magellan’s Cross was a bit further up the road so we had a look, but the most interesting thing about it was a woman in a yellow shirt having a dance and sing next to the cross whilst waving some candles. I assume she was praying but she might have just been singing “Get your candles here! Nice, waxy candles!”

Next we headed back up into the mountains to the Chinese Taoist Temple which is the first Asian temple I’ve visited and it was really cool. It was most tranquil and very picturesque with a great view over the city, I look forward to visiting more temples on this trip.

We went back to the hostel and were planning on going up to a lookout point for sunset but couldn’t get a Grab because they wanted to charge us a fixed price due to the journey being very uphill. We even looked into getting a ride on the back of  some motorbikes but they were also charging too much. Felix turned up and said they were charging us more because of our skin colour. He then said he might get in trouble for trying to help us get a better price. Mary thought it might be to do with the Filipino mafia, I have no idea if that could be true but we just played it safe and walked off and just headed back into the city for dinner instead.

Before eating we had a quick look in a guitar shop and a book shop and then tried to find the Irish bar for food (don’t judge, it had a few decent veggie options on the menu) Google Maps failed us so we couldn’t find it and ended up at a pizza place. LUCKILY it was Seniors Night and they had some sort of seniors karaoke with a live pianist. The pizza was decent but the music was spectacular. The old people all had good voices and the pianist (Fred) provided some awesome backing. My personal highlight was the old man who wanted to walk and talk and squawk with the animals. After a couple of beers Mary decided to volunteer Dan to do a song so he got up with Fred and sand Mack The Knife. The locals loved it and waved to us when we left.

Around the corner we found the Irish bar (Marshalls). There was a musician playing some absolute bangers so we bought 6 beers (buy 5 get 1 free, obviously) and settled in for the night. REO Speedwagon, Crowded House, Ronan f’ing Keating, this was my first taste of what Asian people listen to and I have to say it made me feel like I’m really going to fit in well here with my superb taste in music. The 6.9% beer flowed, as did the superb set list. Do you remember that girl I mentioned before? Yes, that one. Well she only went and turned up at the bar didn’t she. More on her later. The time came for the musician to ask for requests and Dan said he’d do a song, so he got up and played one of his originals. A little while later somebody requested Hero by Enrique Iglesias but the guy said he wasn’t sure how to sing it, Mark and Dan to the rescue! Dan played it and I sang it (even though I had to read the words and couldn’t remember how it ended) and after we’d finished we got asked to play a few more so we went with Teenage Dirtbag and No Diggity. The white people at the front were singing along and spoke to us a bit afterwards. Mary spoke to some of them and picked the seemingly worthy enough ones (not the chav guy with amazing hair) to join us, it was that girl and the guy she was with. She was Lena, 18 from Poland and he was Cam, 19 from Middlesbrough. We had a few beers and a chat with them until things took a strange turn. Mary and Cam had ventured too close to talking about politics and Cam got up and walked off. We tried talking to him again but he wasn’t having any of it so after adding just me on Facebook they both left. 

The night had reached an unnatural conclusion so we got a taxi back to the hostel. Funnily enough it was the same driver who’d tried to overcharge us earlier so it was a bit of an awkward journey with Mary drunkenly slagging him off in the back seat and me trying to shut her up. We got back to the hostel and Mary projectile vomited her pizza all over the floor. A delightful end to a delightful first day in the Philippines with D & M.

Day 4: Flying to Cebu

I may have got about 2 hours sleep and got up at 5am. Obviously I tried not to make too much noise but after those pesky kids I think my roommates had built up a tolerance. A few pieces of clothing were still wet so I stuck them on the outside of my bag in the hope they'd somehow dry in the next couple of hours whilst scrunched up in a net pocket.

They let me take my bag as carry-on again even though it was over by 1.4kg (I have no idea how it got lighter) The veggie pho was pretty bad but I was starving so I wasn't going to be fussy.

As I got to the gate I spotted a cute girl hugging her friend as they parted ways. More on her later. I was sat on the plane next to an English girl so had a bit of a chat with her and we both had a moan when they moved a little kid behind us. Luckily he got moved again to somewhere further back, phew! The English girl realised they'd delayed her flight without telling her and she said she was going to kick off, I told her to say she was going to be late for a wedding, she took this under advisement.

4 hours to kill at Kuala Lumpur airport, to be fair it's a nice airport with lots of stuff. There were lots of people sleeping in corners so I assume it's a busy hub, either that or they have a serious homeless problem in Malaysia. Even though there were a lot of food places I really struggled to find anything vegetarian and decent. I settled on an Irish sandwich cafe which was the least Irish place I've ever been in my life, they did a nice egg sandwich though. Weird thing at KL airport is that after you clear security you can't buy anything in bottles, they just have cups with lids on. Apparently this is so AirAsia can charge you for drinks on the flight. Note to self, always have a bottle with me.When I got to the departure gate I saw the cute girl who was on my flight from Hanoi. More on her later.

The flight was pretty awful because I was on the back row so I couldn't put my seat back but the guy in front could. I mostly just slept on this flight except when they started piping their "AirAsia It's A Kind Of Wonderful" song through the speakers. Think Everything is Awesome from The Lego Movie but shit. Its only redeeming feature is that it has a key change at the end. The guy sat next to me had a moan about it too and he also shared some knowledge of The Philippines. Towards the end of the flight I could see some lightning out of the window. I don't remember seeing lightning whilst on a flight, it's pretty epic because you can see the whole cloud from the side.

When we arrived in The Philippines I was surprised that they didn't ask for proof of my onward flight but passport control was instead just really simple. I'd done a little bit of research about taxis so I knew I was getting a metered white taxi and I had the address of the hostel on my phone. In retrospect I should have pre-loaded my Google Maps because it turned out the driver only had a rough idea where we were going. We made it up to the mountains and then he just drove around asking people for directions. After lots of back and forth up and down the mountain we eventually found it and it actually only cost a fiver so again I just chalk it up to experience and move on.

I got to the hostel at about 12.30am so Dan and Mary were sleeping. I woke them up, we hugged, I ate some soy broad beans and then we all went to sleep.

Day 3 - Hanoice to meet you Hanoi

I’d had about 4 hours sleep when the kids all woke up (probably still drunk because I didn’t hear them come back) They were chatting quite loudly whilst packing. I managed to drift off and doze a little bit (thanks earplugs!) but I found out later that Tyler had pulled back his curtain and told them to shut up, which they did. Good lad. When I got up I tried speaking to the guy in the bed above me but it turned out he could only say “Yes” so that conversation didn’t really go anywhere. It was raining again so I chilled in bed until about 2pm when it brightened up a little bit.

I popped downstairs to see who was about and Conrad was there planning his Vietnam  motorbike adventure. I told him I was less adventurous than him and that I was going to have Mexican food today.

When I arrived at “Tacos” I couldn’t find the door down the alleyway and ended up going up a dark staircase to be greeted by a nice old lady who pointed me back down to the correct door. It was a tiny place  and the waiter was polite to the extreme. It seemed like he could only talk in whispers whilst backing away bowing. This made ordering food slightly more difficult than it should have been but well, it’s all part of the authentic experience. My veggie burrito was decent and what I think was a chilli sauce was really nice.

By the time I left the restaurant it was pissing it down again. Luckily this time I had my poncho and umbrella. Obviously I doubled up, I didn’t see anyone else doing it so I reckon I’ll have started a fashion trend in Hanoi.

I’d planned to walk to “train street” where a train goes through the middle of a built up area once a day and is literally inches from buildings where people live and work. Due to the rain it wasn’t such a pleasant walk and it turns out that crossing the road is twice as hard when you’re holding an umbrella and wearing a poncho. It took me about 45 minutes to get there and I’d timed it to arrive when the train was scheduled to go through… But it didn’t come did it? F’in trains. To be honest the highlight of this walk was when I came to a seemingly impossible road to cross. I waited for about 5 minutes trying to find a gap when finally I saw a Vietnamese guy going for it. I stood next to him and literally shadowed him across the road. I thanked him in Vietnamese and he nodded and smiled. That was definitely my favourite interaction with a local during my three days in Hanoi.

I walked back to the hostel with a new found road crossing confidence and managed not to get run over. I’ve finally cracked it! On my final day in Hanoi! Damn! Tyler was at the bar when I got back so I had a little catch up and a few drinks with him. Turns out he’s a welder but he’s fed up with it so he’s going to become a chef when he gets back to London.  Conrad showed up and added a few of us on Facebook. I hadn’t expected the first person I added on Facebook on this trip to be a Tory. My dad would be turning in his grave... if he was dead.

It was at this point I got a message from Dan saying they’d been advised they need an onward flight from The Philippines to be allowed into The Philippines. Brilliant. So I spent the next hour trying to book a ticket to Kuala Lumpur through AirAsia but the app and website were both failing at life. Eventually I got it to work and luckily Dan & Mary’s connecting flight on the way to NZ stops at KL, so I booked the same flight as them. Yay! Plane friends!

I ended up having a nice language barrier chat with the barman at the hostel about life, the universe and everything (I think) and once I’d finished my second gin & tonic, I said my goodbyes to everyone at the hostel and headed up to bed for a maximum of 5 hours sleep.

Day 2 - Hanoice

Had a good lay in which helped with the hangover. It was raining anyway so I chilled until early afternoon. I realised someone had stolen my towel. I told reception and they said I should have kept it in my bed or locker, even when it’s wet, yeah sure. I refused to pay and she gave me another one. Mark wins.

I headed out at 3ish to another vegan cafe and had a veggie burger, It was a bit weird and stodgy but I was starving so it did the job. The passion fruit juice was weird too, full of seeds, so they got stuck in the straw and you had to blowpipe the shit out of that bad boy. I sat on the balcony to watch the world go by but it turns out that’s what flies like to do too so I spent half the time swatting away flies who appeared to like stodgy food. I must have spent two hours using their wifi and swatting away flies before I gave up on the idea that the rain would stop and headed back out into the crazy world of Hanoi. I walked around the lake Hoàn Kiếm Lake which is quite pretty especially when they turn the lights on at the bridge and the temple at 7pm. I then decided it was about time I bought an umbrella, haggled that price down a bit, then walked around the lake for a second time. It’s the best place to walk because you don’t have to cross any roads so I put some music on and zoned out for a nice stroll in the pouring rain.

I went back to the hostel to figure out where to get my evening meal, the kids (early 20s at a guess) were all in the room getting ready to go out on a mad one . I settled on a place called Chopsticks for food where I had a veggie bahn mi (Vietnamese sandwich thingy) When I returned to the hostel there was only one other person in the bar so I had a beer and ended up finishing it as the staff were turning all the lights off and going home. It certainly wasn’t as lively in there as the night before! I think everyone had gone off to different places but I’d missed the time when people were leaving otherwise I could have tagged along with someone.

I went up to my room and shortly afterwards as I was about to brush my teeth two of the kids came back. The girl ran straight into the toilet and locked the door. Her male friend explained that she’d possibly been spiked so I might want to go brush my teeth somewhere else. I decided to wait (mistake) Two hours of puking and crying later and it finally went silent. Turns out she’d gone to hospital but the important thing was that I could now brush my teeth. Happy days.

(For the record I don’t think she died because I’m sure I’d have heard about it the next day)